For the past few days I’ve been working on a little mini-project, a random movie generator. This is for everyone who spends forever trying to find a good movie to watch on a lazy saturday night. Bon appétit!
December 27, 9:00am – 11:00am.
I was slammed into a reinforced window with enough force to shatter bones. Pain shot through my cheek. They pinned me to the ground and restrained my arms, the way cops typically do. I saw one of them pretend to pull out an imaginary Miranda card and begin to read from it.
“You have the right to shut the hell up.” he informed me, barely able to contain a smirk at his own joke. I glared at him with contempt and spat in his face. Blood. I saw them reaching for their billy clubs, and blacked out.
Several hours prior to the ass-kicking, I was getting ready to leave the house for court. I just had to deal with a traffic violation — not yielding the right of way. It had happened months ago when I only held a permit. All I had to do was attend traffic school for a couple of days, and my record was clean. Easy, right?
Their greeting upon my entering the courtroom was a quick, silent frisking. Without remark they immediately confiscated my wallet, cell phone, and handkerchief. “File into courtroom B”, they told me, without looking up. I thought I saw someone take out the ten-dollar bill I had in my wallet, and pocket it. I walked briskly into the cold cellar they directed me toward.
There were others like me in the room, huddled, and just as apprehensive. I glanced around. All the races hung together — the latinos in one corner, trying to look like they weren’t just as goddamn scared as everyone else. Plus they had the INS to watch out for. The white kids sat in chairs, calm and collected like their lawyers beside them. I glanced around, looking for the asians. It seemed like I was the only one here. Except…
In my peripheral vision I caught her staring at me. I turned; she looked away quickly. She had long, straight black hair and dark brown eyes that radiated a bold serenity. I approached her with a slight swagger in my step.
“Hey baby, what’s a beautiful girl like you doing in a place like this?” I asked, suavely reaching into my pocket for a cigarette before I realized that I didn’t smoke. She smiled shyly, but didn’t answer.
“The mysterious type, eh?” I grinned. I was about to make my move when the bailiff came out.
“Jeff… Chan?” he read. It’s Chen, I muttered under my breath. One fucking syllable and they still couldn’t get it right. The bailiff led me into the courtroom.
When I entered, the judge immediately began speaking.
“Mr. Chen,” she began. “You are hereby convicted of fifteen separate counts of murder in the first degree. How do you plead?” Shock coursed through my veins. “W-what? I’m here for a traffic violation,” I sputtered.
“I heard guilty,” the judge said, and slammed her gavel. Then began the beating.
~~~
When I woke up, I was at least 40 pounds skinnier and had grown a full beard. Soon a cop came and led me out of the cellar.
“How long have I been in there?” I asked, my voice hoarse from underuse.
“Fifteen minutes.” he replied. “There was a misunderstanding. The guy we wanted was a Jeff Chan. You’re free to go, with the court’s apologies.”
“And my traffic violation?” I asked.
“Just attend traffic school. It’s easy.” he said.
I left the courtroom feeling tired and eager to get back to bed.
Hello potential subscriber,
as an incentive for preordering, here is an except from Chapter 14 of Jeff’s sexxxcapades: Collector’s Edition 2007! Enjoy!
January 12, 2007
It was midnight. Most people were asleep because midnight was when people went to sleep. There was not a single light shining in the distance, except for the scented candles that I had just lighted. She was waiting on the bed, clad in nothing but a skimpy negligee.
“You look hot”, I said, seductively. I walked seductively towards the bed and took off my clothes in a manner that could only be described as “seductive”.
“I’m seduced”, cooed Denise.
“I know”, I replied, knowingly. It was past midnight.
Originally I hadn’t planned to spend my night in throes of wild passion with a woman I had never met before. I had simply expected it to be like every other Friday, starting with a relaxing morning of weight lifting, followed by several hours of operating heavy machinery, and my favorite nighttime hobby, showing off my manly pecs to passerby’s.
I met her at the gym. The first thing I noticed was her superbly defined body and firm, bouncy, curvaceous, round eyes. I strutted confidently toward her. Before I even spoke I could tell that something in me sparked her interest. I pitched my foolproof line:
“Hey there, hot stuff. I was just checking you out while toning my fantastic body. I just have to say, if I could rearrange the alphabet, I would put you and I together in a bed so we could have sex.”
“Sure! My name’s Denise! Fortunately I’m the kind of woman who is perfectly eager to copulate with strangers without knowing their sexual history!” At least, I think that was what she said. I generally don’t listen to women after they’ve agreed to have sex. So anyway, that’s how we got to where we are.
“Wow”, she gasped. “It’s so long!” She looked hesitant. “Can I touch it?”
“Feel free, babe. My snake is here for your pleasure.” I leaned closer so she could marvel at its girth.
“Beautiful… what’s its name?” she asked.
“Ronaldo. I got him while vacationing in Sao Paolo last Spring. I put the boa constrictor back in his cage. “By the way,” I mentioned, “would you like to see my penis?”
Stay tuned for more!
Name: Jeff Chen